I'll take the cheque, mate

Where do the bailouts stop? What size does an organization have to be before our government deems it essential that it be “saved”?

I’ve been wondering for the past few weeks how the situation would be unfolding if our “bailout” and “stimulus” money had been divided up and distributed to the public so they could invest in the organizations and instruments that they would like to remain in our milieu.

Today I came across this piece in The Toronto Sun, it certainly reflects a feeling a lot of us share….enjoy.


I'll take the cheque, mate
Hear me now government, these are my demands, and -- like the car companies -- I want cash

By Lorrie Goldstein, Toronto Sun
Last Updated: 15th March 2009, 4:00am

Inspired by Chrysler LLC President Thomas LaSorda's remarks to a parliamentary committee last week, asking taxpayers for billions of dollars in loans to help save his near-bankrupt company, or it may cease Canadian operations, I have decided to follow his example:

Dear: Prime Minister

Stephen Harper,

Ontario Premier

Dalton McGuinty,

Toronto Mayor

David Miller

From: Lorrie Goldstein

Gentlemen:

It costs me too !@@$%%# much to live in this @$$^%% country, this @$$%^$ province and this $%^$^k city!!!!!

Lorrie Goldstein LEG cannot afford to write columns in a jurisdiction that is uncompetitive relative to other column-writing jurisdictions.

Indeed, if the financial needs of Lorrie Goldstein LEG are not met, I will be forced to pull up stakes and move to another country.

In order to survive, Lorrie Goldstein LEG (by the way, my middle name is "Edward," hence Lorrie Goldstein "LEG," like Chrysler LLC whatever the @#@@#%%$ the LLC stands for) needs three things.

First, a loan from the taxpayers of Canada and Ontario. A BIG one. Pronto.

Second, I paid too much in the past year to have my washing machine fixed, my roof reshingled and my toilet repaired.

I need all these workers to reduce their labour costs charged to Lorrie Goldstein LEG from $75 an hour to $55 an hour, pronto, and if they don't, I'm pulling up stakes and moving out of Canada.

So, why am I complaining to you that my labour costs are too high, you ask?

Isn't it my fault if my labour costs are too high -- after all I'm in charge of Lorrie Goldstein LEG and I agreed to pay them, right?

Indeed, how can it possibly be the fault of the taxpayers of Canada, from whom I am seeking a BIG, BIG, loan, that my labour costs are too high, I can just hear you saying?

Well, I haven't figured that out yet, either.

But I will and trust me when I do, you're going to regret it if you don't do exactly what I say.

Now, I know you may think this sounds like a threat, but it's not.

The bottom line is I needed to be very, very clear, because ambiguity doesn't help the process.

So, where was I?

Oh, yeah ... I almost forgot.

And the third thing I need is for Revenue Canada to stop bugging me about paying my taxes.

I'll decide what taxes Lorrie Goldstein LEG owes, thank you very much, and when I do, you'll get your #$^%* money ... Eventually.

What do you think I'm going to do if I don't get my way, shut down my operations in Canada and move them to another country?

Do you think I'm saying Lorrie Goldstein LEG is on the verge of bankruptcy if I don't get a BIG, BIG, BIG loan from the taxpayers of Canada?

Do you think I'm saying that ... that ... oh ... wait a minute.

That is what I'm saying, isn't it?

OK, never mind that.

In closing, I want to emphasize that it is vital that Lorrie Goldstein LEG gets a BIG, BIG, BIG, BIG loan from the taxpayers of Canada, so that Lorrie Goldstein LEG can survive and continue to pay taxes (well, OK, maybe not all the taxes) and contribute to the Canadian economy.

After all, doesn't that make a lot more sense than just leaving those taxes in the pockets of taxpayers in the first place, so they can survive and contribute to the Canadian economy?

Well, doesn't it?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go see my bank manager about taking out a second mortgage on my house.

And, trust me, I'm going to make three things very clear to him up front, first ... oh ... wait, you've already heard all this, haven't you?

OK, fine then. Just let me know when the cheque is in the mail.

Sincerely,

Lorrie Goldstein

President

Lorrie Goldstein LEG