The Simple Things

Some things aren't any easier with a smartphone and modern Internet technology. We are over complicating the simplest of  things. It's over civilization.  Did you know you can now buy prepeeled bananas?  Yeah, peeled bananas in a plastic tray with plastic wrap that you peel off the banana to get at the banana. It's overkill all over the place to solve the most basic dilemmas.

Going to a movie,  for example.
I know why you guys subscribe to Netflix...you're the smart ones...Netflix is easy.
 
Going to a movie used to be easy.  You used to look at the paper for a show time and go.
Or you'd call the theatre and get a guy.  You'd ask the guy what's playing. The guy would rattle off the titles.  You'd ask the guy when the next show time for Star Wars, the guy would tell you and you'd go. If you got a busy signal you'd either call the guy back or go to plan A.

Look in the paper and go.

Now you either call the theatre and after circling the drain in their automated phone system for five long years before getting a recording of all the show times with all the details of each show, and the mothers with babies special times, specific features for handi-able clients and deaf people and all the daily Yogen Fruz specials with an invitation to visit their website at www.wastemytime.com for further information and updated local show times.

By the time I've heard all that, the freaking movie is on freaking BluRay disc already.  OR I can use my smart phone,  tablet or PC to go to the website first, but that redirects me to CinemaClock for pop up advertising and a battle to tell it where I am because it is confusing the WiFi info with my phones GPS's info and it thinks I'm looking for movie information in Toronto.

Once I've convinced the menuing system that I'm in Regina and  not Toronto I'm faced with new selections for every theatre and library within 50 miles and have to narrow my search criteria to ultimately find out that Star Wars isn't playing at the IMAX tonight. But that's OK, the whole process took until tomorrow anyways. We're now going to be early for the next show.

That's when you just Netflix and chill.

Emojis Caused the Downfall of Egypt

The Egyptian language wasn't all emojis all the time

The Egyptians had a cursive alphabet and a written language long before Hieroglyphics were invented,  they used it to write contracts and history,  sacred texts and clearly written instructions for doing amazing things like building pyramids and shit.
Then one day along comes some asshole with the first Hieroglyph,  the very first emoji.
That was the beginning of the downfall of Egyptian civilization. Their use exploded onto the scene,  new glyphs being issued every few months so people could dumb themselves down even further with cute combinations like an owl and a bee and an hourglass when they were going to be a couple of days late for some circumcision ceremony or something.

After that it was all downhill for the Egyptians...only the smart people continued to use cursive written language,  and they ended up leaving Egypt to open up bagel shops and diamond cutting businesses around the world. Only the emoji zombies remained and they didn't understand the history and carefully written instructions left for them detailing how to maintain the equipment.

Thousands of years of carefully planned societal order gone to waste just because some low brow son of an Egyptian slave couldn't find the time or creativity to craft a well worded love letter to that hot little slave girl down the Euphrates and sent her a picture of his snake instead.
We’re heading back to ancient Egyptian times...next stop the stone age, and we are going there with a big yellow smiley grin on our faces.

Sexual Assault

I was sexually assaulted by Miley Cyrus. Maybe you have been too and should come forward.

In fact it's happened many times. 

Every time I turn on the TV and she's there it happens, even if I turn it off or change the channel the damage has already been done. It's like a wrecking ball, inflicting incremental damage to my psyche.

When I report it, no one believes me or even worse yet, they ask me, "What were you watching?"...as if to say that by tuning into the video music awards show, I was asking for it. I was just looking for some good old fashioned music, I didn't consent to a hoedown throw down, and there was no warning it was coming either.

Then it's on to the victim shaming, like I'm the one who is the problem and she is just an ordinary girl setting a good example for youth.

10 Universal Hacks for a Human Being

1. 1. There is only one source, one creation. We all came to be in the same manner. We are all brothers and sisters subservient to the universe, helping better each other through life.
2. 2. Keep your universal priorities clear, and things will work out for the animals, the environment, and for you as well.
3. 3. Never swear an intent or make a promise to the universe that you do not intend to keep.
4. 4. Dedicate or set aside a regular day each week for rest and reflection upon your moral and ethical beliefs.
5. 5. Give honour to your father and mother by treating them with respect and obedience.
6. 6. Do not deliberately kill a fellow human being without just cause.
7. 7. Do not have sexual relations with anyone other than your spouse. It breaks the integrity of a marriage and never ends well. 
8. 8. Do not steal or take anything that doesn't belong to you, unless you have been given permission to do so.
9. 9. Do not tell a lie about someone or bring a false accusation against another person.
10. 10. Do not desire anything or anyone that does not belong to you. Comparing yourself to others and longing to have what they have leads to jealousy, envy and low self esteem.

Je Suis Charlie Eh?

Picture this and tell me if any media outlet in Canada would show this in a cartoon or a comedy sketch....

(interior police car, red and blue lights flashing on the interior roof, a drunk in gang banger clothes being loaded into the back.)

Cop: "Welcome to Cash Cruiser, the game show we play right here in my police car.  It's 39 blocks to the station, I'm going to ask you a series of questions. For each one you get right, you'll get closer to the safe, warm drunk tank at the city cells and earn money for your fines, for each one you get wrong you'll get a strike. Three strikes and we'll drop you off to fend for yourself. You have three shout outs available, you can try two family members who'll take you in and you can call a lawyer. Ready?"

Drunk, "ok, but don't hurt my snake."

Cop, "your snake is fine. alright, we'll start with the $100 questions;
What historical figure, born in 1844, executed in 1885 and is widely considered to be the 'Father of Manitoba?"

Drunk, "Easy, eh..Tupac. The struggle is real muthafacca."

Cop, "Sorry, we were looking for Louis Riel, strike one. Now for $500, what's your home address? Remember, you have all your shout outs left."

Drunk, "zzzzzzzz"