Dateline Ottawa

With apologies to Monty Python, we have obtained a transcript of tapes made in our nations capitol



FOLLOWERS:

Look! There he is! The Chosen One has woken!

[slam]

[bam bam bam bam]

S. ANN SOETORO:

OBAMA!

[bam bam bam bam bam]

OBAMA:

Huuh. Hooh. Ooh! Mother. Ooh. Ha--

S. ANN SOETORO:

OBAMA!

OBAMA:

Hang on, mother! Shhh.

[clllunk]

Hello, mother.

S. ANN SOETORO:

Don't you 'hello mother' me. What are all those people doing out there?!

OBAMA:

Oh. Well-- well, I, uh--

S. ANN SOETORO:

Come on! What have you been up to, my lad?!

OBAMA:

Well, uh, I think they must have popped by for something.

S. ANN SOETORO:

'Popped by'?! 'Swarmed by', more like! There's a multitude out there!

OBAMA:

Mm, they-- they started following me yesterday.

S. ANN SOETORO:

Well, they can stop following you right now. Now, stop following my son! You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

FOLLOWERS:

The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah!

S. ANN SOETORO:

The who?

FOLLOWERS:

The Messiah!

S. ANN SOETORO:

Huh, there's no Messiah in here. There's a mess, all right, but no Messiah. Now, go away!

FOLLOWERS:

OBAMA! OBAMA!

S. ANN SOETORO:

Right, my lad. What have you been up to?

OBAMA:

Nothing, Mum. Um--

S. ANN SOETORO:

Come on. Out with it.

OBAMA:

Well, they think I'm the Messiah, Mum.

[smack]

S. ANN SOETORO:

Now, what have you been telling them?

OBAMA:

Nothing! I only--

S. ANN SOETORO:

You're only making it worse for yourself.

OBAMA:

Look! I can explain! I--

[smack]

JUDITH:

No! Let me explain, Mrs. Cohen!

S. ANN SOETORO:

Who--

JUDITH:

Your son is a born leader. Those people out there are following him because they believe in him, Mrs. Cohen. They believe he can give them hope-- hope of a new life, a new world, a better future!

S. ANN SOETORO:

Who's that?!

OBAMA:

Oh! That's... Judith, Mum. Judith. Mother. Hmm.

[smack]

Aaaah!

FOLLOWERS:

The Messiah! The Messiah!

S. ANN SOETORO:

Ooooh.

FOLLOWERS:

Show us the Messiah! The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah!

S. ANN SOETORO:

Now, you listen here! He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy! Now, go away!

FOLLOWERS:

Who are you?!

S. ANN SOETORO:

I'm his mother. That's who.

FOLLOWERS:

Behold His mother! Behold His mother! Hail to thee, mother of OBAMA! Blessed art thou, Hosanna! All praise to thee, now and always!

S. ANN SOETORO:

Ohhh, now, don't think you can get around me like that. He's not coming out, and that's my final word. Now, shove off!

FOLLOWERS:

No!

S. ANN SOETORO:

Did you hear what I said?

FOLLOWERS:

Yes!

S. ANN SOETORO:

Oh, I see. It-- it's like that, is it?

FOLLOWERS:

Yes!

S. ANN SOETORO:

Ohh. Oh, all right, then. You can see him for one minute, but not one second more. Do you understand?

FOLLOWERS:

Yes.

S. ANN SOETORO:

Promise?

FOLLOWERS:

Well, all right.

S. ANN SOETORO:

All right. Here he is, then. Come on, OBAMA. Come and talk to them.

OBAMA:

But, Mum. Judith.

S. ANN SOETORO:

Now, leave that Welsh tart alone.

OBAMA:

But I don't really want to, Mum.

FOLLOWERS:

OBAMA! OBAMA! OBAMA!...

OBAMA:

Good morning.

FOLLOWERS:

A blessing! A blessing! A blessing!...

OBAMA:

No. No, please! Please! Please listen. I've got one or two things to say.

FOLLOWERS:

Tell us. Tell us both of them.

OBAMA:

Look. You've got it all wrong.



You don't need to follow me. You don't need to follow anybody! You've got to think for yourselves. You're all individuals!

FOLLOWERS:

Yes, we're all individuals!

OBAMA:

You're all different!

FOLLOWERS:

Yes, we are all different!

DENNIS:

I'm not.

ARTHUR:

Shhhh.

FOLLOWERS:

Shh. Shhhh. Shhh.

OBAMA:

You've all got to work it out for yourselves!

FOLLOWERS:

Yes! We've got to work it out for ourselves!

OBAMA:

Exactly!

FOLLOWERS:

Tell us more!

OBAMA:

No! That's the point! Don't let anyone tell you what to do! Otherwise-- Ow! No!

S. ANN SOETORO:

Come on, OBAMA. That's enough. That's enough.

FOLLOWERS:

Oooooh. That wasn't a minute!

S. ANN SOETORO:

Oh, yes, it was.

FOLLOWERS:

Oh, no, it wasn't!

S. ANN SOETORO:

Now, stop that, and go away!

YOUTH:

Excuse me.

S. ANN SOETORO:

Yes?

YOUTH:

Are you a virgin?

S. ANN SOETORO:

I beg your pardon!

YOUTH:

Well, if it's not a personal question, are you a virgin?

S. ANN SOETORO:

'If it's not a personal question'?



How much more personal can you get? Now, piss off!

[slam]

YOUTH:

She is.

FOLLOWERS:

Yeah. Must be. She is. Definitely...

CROWD:

Ooh. Oh! Oooh...

[clunk]

STEPHAN:

'Morning, Saviour.

CROWD:

[yelling]

WOMAN:

Lay Your hands on me. Quick!

FRANCIS:

Now, don't jostle the Chosen One, please.

BABY:

[crying]

STEPHAN:

Don't push that baby in the Saviour's face. You've got till later.

JACK:

I say. I say, could He just see my wife? She has a headache.

STEPHAN:

She'll have to wait, I'm afraid.

JACK:

It's very bad, and we've got a luncheon appointment.

STEPHAN:

Look, the lepers are queuing.

JACK:

Her brother-in-law is the ex-mayor of Gath, you know.

STEPHAN:

Uh, OBAMA, can I introduce the gentleman who's letting us have the Mounts on Sunday?

MR. PAPADOPOULOS:

Hello.

FRANCIS:

Don't push!

STEPHAN:

And keep the noise down, please! Those possessed by devils, try and keep them under control a bit, can't you? Incurables, you'll just have to wait for a few minutes. Um, women taken in sin, line up against that wall, will you?

JUDITH:

OBAMA? OBAMA, you were fantastic!

OBAMA:

You weren't so bad yourself.

JUDITH:

No, what you said just now-- it was quite extraordinary.

OBAMA:

What? Oh, that. Was it?

JUDITH:

We don't need any leaders. You're so right. Reg has been dominating us for too long.

OBAMA:

Well, yes.

JUDITH:

It needed saying, and you said it, OBAMA.

OBAMA:

You're... very attractive.

JUDITH:

It's our revolution! We can all do it together!

OBAMA:

I think-- I think--

JUDITH:

We're all behind you, OBAMA. The revolution is in your hands!



OBAMA:

What? No! That's not what I meant at all!

CENTURION:

You're fuckin' nicked, me old beauty. Right.

[whap whap whap whap whap]

[smack]

Stop it.